Since the dawn of time, the human has wanted little but to hold and exchange brightly colored paper cards with his or her sweethearts. These creatures revel in small gifts and, similarly to crows and carrion birds, the human particularly enjoys gifts of sparkling variety.
The human being, however, has made great strides intellectually and physically since the beginning of time. No longer do shiny objects amuse one unless they are worth a substantial amount of money. No, the human being now requires a variety of other factors to be satisfied. It is truly these requirements that set us apart from our more feral counterparts. These desires, however, are nigh impossible to satisfy.
Why then, you might ask, do we expend such a great deal of effort to acquire such a relationship? To find the answer, I have undertaken a daring undercover operation for the past eight to nine months. I have secretly been dating Jezebel Svartok, international model and Swedish princess. I know this comes as a shock to you (especially if I am currently in the process of dating you) but I assure you that I have done it all for the glory of journalism and TRUTH.
My discoveries were numerous but due to the dictatorial editing of some unnamed newspaper, I don’t have space to describe all of them. I will be brief:
It is impossible to satisfy your partner on all levels all of the time.
Never date royalty.
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned (sorry, I really shouldn’t have touched that spoon).
Being able to schedule time to be together and apart from your significant other is vital. Particularly if your relationship is secret.
A real lady is classy.
Misogyny is never acceptable unless used ironically and even then one should wear protective apparel.
No matter who you are, the opposite sex will be mysterious, appealing and disturbing at all times.
Now, none of these discoveries are particularly enlightening or comforting, but I did discover one aspect of relationships that surprised me thoroughly. The reason to date some people (drum roll) is their parents. This may seem unorthodox and a little alarming, but bear with me. There are many benefits to being close to your significant other’s family (particularly if they are royalty). They can buy you gifts that sparkle, provide connections necessary for interfacing once you graduate from the institute, pay for your institute and tell you stories about where they were on the day of the assassination of Franz Ferdinand.
More glamorous than any of these traits, however, is being fed. No family who truly cares for their offspring and who thinks that you are a suitable match will deny you sustenance. I cannot describe the greatness that is little steaks wrapped in bacon on a warm winter Thursday night. So that’s that. Put up with your significant other in the hopes of gleaning some kind of snack.
